"Here I go again..."

I've been down this road before. I've tried and tried. Each time, with different results. But this time, maybe by making it a bit more public, I hope to succeed. I'm investing a little bit more time, a little bit more of myself and a little bit more money. But this time, I hope it works....I'm going to lose that 30 lbs I've been trying to lose forever. And this time, I'm going to do it just for me. I've been trying for about a month now and I get about 5 or 6 lbs down and have to start again. This time, I've finally ordered a workout program that I think will work and I hope to start on the right path from day one.

I have to say this has been a struggle for me since college...maybe even before that. I mean, let's face it, I come from big stock....both height and width. My dad is the shortest of his brothers at 6'3". And on my mother's side I have an uncle about the same height. But growing up, most of my friends were smaller than me. I hit the height I am today around 11 years of age. By the time I was 12 I was in a size 10 shoe ( I thank God every day that my foot has actually shrank to a size 9.5!!!) And I have always said that I got boobs before they were cool. But most of my friends didn't hit those heights until later in life. So I guess I've always thought of myself as a little out of proportion. It's funny, I look back at pictures from high school today and think--"Man I was skinny." But I didn't think that back then. And I think that's something I have had to get over. Part of me has to come to the understanding that it's likely I will never look like that person again.

This is my brother and I in Jackson Square at my confirmation in 1990--note the mullet and poofy bangs and the tiny waist. I would have been 13 in this picture, I think.

But today, I'm not a size 9/10. I'm more of a 14/16. My hope is to be a 9/10 again....or maybe a 10/12...we'll see. But I want to be healthy. I want to look in the mirror and be satisfied with what I see. And not think...gee I thought this outfit looked better before I put it on.

I just have to remember that it takes ONE day at a time. And while today may be a good day...tomorrow may be a bad day. And I just have to go to bed at the end of the bad days and forget about it. I have to remember that, like everything else in this life, this is a climb. And I can't just focus on the end. I have to focus on the view up and realize that there are going to be some great successes along the way. There will be the day that I only eat half of what's on my plate and feel full. Or the day that I run 3.5 miles and don't feel winded and exhausted at the end. Or the day that I can do the entire workout video, without modifications, and not collapse at the end.

So this is me today...I had two pictures to select from. I picked the one that shows a little bit more of me. I'm not proud of this picture. But I hope the next picture will make me smile a bit...and the next picture, a bit more.

So that's my miracle for today. The opportunity to make me not a better me, but the person I want to be....